ODAT-One Day at a Time

Mr. Sponsorpants talks about his "emotions suppressor circuits" in his post today and I can so identify with those words.  How many times are others able to put into words what I can't.  I appreciate that.  I had a situation come up yesterday that got that slow-burn going in my gut of old feelings, old stuff, old resentments, old garbage..old, old, old.  My head (the Alanon committee) always does better and is able to see what is really going on but sometimes I don't like to listen to my head (the other committee..they argue alot).  I don't really like stuffing, faking, silencing, or ignoring my feeling anymore.  It is one of my bigger challenges, sifting through the feelings, looking at which ones need examining, which ones are just self-indulgent crap, and which ones lead me back to the quagmire of the past.  I wanted to punch a baby yesterday.  (just a figure of speech, kids).  I have a person that has a bit of control over my financial future (and I mean the difference between working and not working), and I am too use to comfortable to start over at this point so this means I keep my mouth shut, keep it short, and get the hell off the phone (or in this case, not reply with a scathing, brutally honest, opening-pandoras-box email).  I am caught between two poles.  Self-imposed poles.  I realize it is all me--in the sense that there is any problem.  I also know that it isn't all me--in that no one is losing sleep over this except me.  I still want to punch a baby.

I will tend to my own little list today and stay within this 24.  I may still want to punch a baby tonite but who the hell knows.  I know if I keep dwelling on this it will make me irritable and discontented for the rest of the day and my husband deserves better.  I have a grudge going and right now--I'm okay with that.  I have no doubt that it will pass, and more quickly than they use to.

So I didn't send the scathing email that I started to type.  I deleted all the verbal vomit.  I sent a one sentence reply and said thank-you.  I signed it with my name.  That is the best I could do.  Damn.

So here I sit, indignant with hurt feelings and just as powerless about making others see differently as I have ever been.  There is only one way to get through some things and that is to just keep on getting through until the crappy feelings pass.  Then I will do what I know to do now, look at it, share it, listen, act if necessary, then move on.

Namaste in a punch-a-baby way

Posted in: on Monday, November 23, 2009 at at 7:02 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

I wrote yesterday that I have always been the odd duck in my family.  What is funny is how long it took me to accept that and be okay with it.  I always knew I was different.  For the longest time, I interpreted that as I was wrong, or damaged, or misplaced, or just plain lost.  I remember when I began to feel this way and that is a whole other post but suffice it to say that it wasn't until the past few years that I have begun to embrace, revel and celebrate my odd duckiness.

I lived my life like an apology for a long time.  I never doubted my ability to accomplish anything I put my  mind to, it's just I had a really hard time finding anything that I didn't sabotage in some way.  I am sure there is a word for that in psychiatric-lingo but I just knew that I would do really well, for awhile, then I would either instigate my own destruction or make a decision that led to it.  I did try, I really did, to be like them, others.

My path today is where I am comfortable in my own skin for the most part.  I love my quirkiness, my weird sense of humor, my many interests in other weird, quirky, odd people and things.  I know I am not unique and there are alot of us odd-ducks out here.  I don't feel the need to conform anymore and I like it when I can get people to think, even question, things that they have never really thought about.  I think it is fun and intriquing and mentally stimulating to discuss and debate with others now, instead of shutting down and avoiding others.  There are very few things that I truly stress about now.  Don't sweat the small stuff, and  most of it is all small stuff.  My mantra.

I have to do a collage about myself for my Art class next week.  I can't wait.  I know myself more now than ever and I like all the colors that make up my aura.  They are never the same.  I wish I could see auras.  My guess is mine would be like looking in a kaleidoscope--how cool is that.

I love who I am today becuase of the tools of Alanon, my spiritual existence, my ability to love and be loved, and my faith that it will all work out so much better than I could plan if I just get out of the way and enjoy this 24.

Namaste

Posted in: on Saturday, November 21, 2009 at at 3:41 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

As a typical Alanon, I re-read my post of yesterday a few times and realized that I needed to clarify a bit about my experience with my history of depression.  For those who need more information or are curious about the symptoms of the disease, here is an excellent website for you.  I encourage anyone who loves someone with depression to educate themselves.

I have lived with depression since it kicked in when I hit puberty.  My specific type of depression is triggered by hormonal level changes, called PMDD.  Back in the early 70s, when it all started for me, there was little information about this type of disorder, much less a support system.  I was called alot of things back then...lazy, ungrateful, spoiled, troubled, stubborn, and worse.  I won't go into all the ripple affects that continued in my life due to the lack of a correct diagnosis.  I will say my parents did the best they could and I am so very grateful that they didn't give up on me.  It was a terribly destructive time in my life and I had no clue as to why I did what I did or how I could change.  I was a mess. 

I think this is why I can identify with recovered alcoholics.  The nature of alcoholism is alot like what I lived with.  I have read the Big Book of AA, attended many open speaker AA meetings, and have AA's in my family.  When I hear  or read the stories, I identify with so many of the symptoms.  It is only how I dealt with my problems that differs.  Bad, implusive decisions were my tonic.  Life-altering bad decisions for no outwardly apparent reason.  It did not take a traumatic situation for me to go off the deep end.  It was all in how my brain was working and it wasn't working very well sometimes. 

There were many contributing factors that might have exacerbated my behaviors and decisions.  I grew up in a family where I was the odd duck.  My mother was a highly functioning, highly ambitious, highly strung alcoholic.  My father was dealt with it all by working and community activities.  My younger brother was in my wake.  Mix all this up in the pot with absolutely no coping tools and..well, you get the picture.

I have to provide some balance to the picture by saying before I hit my teens, I remember a mostly happy, loved  life where I lacked for nothing.  I had a family that I knew loved me, I had stability of home that encouraged education and provided me every opportunity to excel in whatever interest I had.  One of my biggest regrets is that I wasn't able to take full advantage of the opportunities that my parents provided.  I don't look at it as my fault anymore, it just happened.  The 12 Steps have helped me to make peace with my past and look back with kindness and forgiveness for myself and my family.

The depression episodes continued through my 20s and 30s.  I tried prozac when it first came out but it made me a zombie.  A happy zombie..but a zombie nonetheless.  It wasn't until my late 30s that I finally was officially diagnosed.  It has been quite a ride since then with periods of rebellion against any medication to hitting a bottom and willing to try, once again, to try to find the right medication for me.  This is where I want to offer encouragement.  It takes time, effort, willingness, and hope, along with a good relationship with a qualified doctor, in order to find what works.  I have tried 3 different medications and had to find the correct dosage for me.  I had to make the effort to communicate with my doctor, to be honest about the side effects and the efficacy of the medicine.  I quit trying to explain myself to people who didn't understand.  I quit apologizing for existing. I slowly decided to surround myself with people who were uplifing, positive and supportive and quit investing in negative, unhealthy, unsupportive realtionships.  This was a hard thing to do as some of these people were family members.  I can love them and take care of myself too.

Alanon has provided me with the structure, spiritual principals, and coping tools that I needed in order to be who I believe I was born to be.  It has been quite a journey and the great thing is that it isn't over yet.  I am much more than my disease but until I faced it and didn't give up until I found some help, I wasn't able to do anything else.  I had to find the right glasses in order to see.  I can say that today I am content, serene and I laugh alot!  The despair is gone and my down days are just that...down days.  The pass and until they do, I have all sorts of tools, phone numbers and people to help me.  I throw myself into service work and looking for a chance to reach out during these times because isolation can be deadly for my mental state.  It has taken time, prayer, falls, trips, bumps, but I found what works for me..today.

This has been a long post but it is so important to me to be able to share what I have learned.  I am still the odd duck..but I'm a happier duck today.

Namaste

Posted in: on Friday, November 20, 2009 at at 10:24 AM 1 comments Links to this post    

When did the art of "just being" go out of fashion?  I'm a full-fledged, type b, would-rather-read-a-book-than-almost-any-physical-activity person.  I have always been this way and was born into a family of type a, ambitious, driven, active, busy people.  I am the turtle in a family of hares.  This is where my feeling of not belonging began and I still feel that way today.  Alanon helped me to learn to accept it.  I think I have truly quit trying to adapt, change, pretend, fake, and struggle.  There are parts of me that I have learned to love and honor.  There are parts that I continue to bring into balance for my health and well being.  But as I sit here, in my jammies, on a rainy, gray day, relishing the lazy afternoon, I wonder why I felt the need to feel so guilty just because of who I am.  I am looking for balance now instead of change.  I will never be an outgoing, gregarious, hyperactive mover-and-shaker.  I'm the one that is content to keep the computers working and the network flowing, behind the scenes.  I don't aspire to be a CEO or movie star..the limelight is blinding and I am only now beginning to see myself clearly..thank you very much.

I enjoy just being.  I enjoy watching the birds at my birdfeeders.  I love nothing more than getting lost for hours and hours in a good book.  I love mental challenges, puzzles, games, who-done-its.  I love to spend time crocheting in the ski lodge and watching the kids come down off the  mountain.  I am happy when I am mentally engaged.  I love learning.  I love playing the piano.  I believe adults need naptime as much as preschoolers.  I am okay with being alone, and quiet, and unbusy.  I can have a cup of Earl Grey, an ocean-scented incense stick burning, some light jazz or new wave music going, and just be.  Hot, bubble-baths are not an indulgement to me, they are a necessity.  I don't spend time putting on makeup, futzing about my hair, or wearing complimentary jewelry.  I haven't worn makeup since a funeral 2 years ago.  I dress for comfort--always.  This usually means sweatpants and my husband's tshirts.  I'm glad I live in a small, rural town where people really don't care.  My neighbors aren't impressed with bigger cars, fancier landscaping or the latest in fashion or expensive jewelry.  I love my little town.

My family of origin doesn't understand this about me.  Everything I am--they are not.  They are financially and socially successful.  They have busy, busy lives and are apparently happy.  They have worked hard for what they have and seem to enjoy the benefits.  I get whistful sometimes, when I think of what I have missed.  I spent so much time hating who I was and trying to find a way to fit in that I missed alot.  Don't misunderstand me, I love them and am happy for them.  My biggest regret is that I wasn't able to love them and love me all at the same time.  It just didn't happen.

I have an indulging nature.  I am a Taurus, through and thourgh.  I love comfort...and comfortable things.  I am easy-going and plod through life--never running or racing towards anything.  I cannot be around a hectic, uber-busy, frantic person without feeling the effects.  I am grateful that I have learned that indulging doesn't have a damn thing to do with money.  My husband and I often look at each other, during challenging times, and say, "We have water.".  An inside joke that refers to times when our water pump has been out for days at a time.  Until you have been without water for a week, you can't understand the gratitude in that statement.  We know what is important now.  I love my husband.

I think I am finally getting it.  It all begins with Step 1.  I have worked that step every day in some way.  I could not be who I am today without the structure and spiritual springboard that Alanon has been.  I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, the mother of an active addict, and the wife of a disabled veteran who is bipolar.  I take medication for chronic depression.  My financial situation is so much healthier now but I am still dealing with the consequences of poor financial habits over many years.  We have a home, a car without payments, dogs, cats and chickens.  I have a relationship with my birthson now.  I have a child who is going to college and calls his mother regularly.  I was able to make peace with my ex before he died and now have a good relationship with his family.  These are all gifts...living proof that my HP loves me and is an active part of my life.

I am also battling my weight so I am back on WW.  I battle procrastination so I am breaking things down to manageable sizes today.  I hate to exercise but joined the Y.  I have some relationships that need lots of prayer and work on my part.  I have amends that still need to be made.  I have a home that has been neglected and needs lots of TLC and elbow grease.  I need to remember to tell the people that I love, that I love them, no matter how I feel at the time.  This is enough for me today and it helps me focus on what I can do and keeps my hands off of other people and situations.

I hope that, whoever you are, that you can find some time today to just "be". 

Namaste

Posted in: on Thursday, November 19, 2009 at at 1:43 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

The last day of rain for awhile..I hope!  I woke up this morning to find out that Andrew had "unfriended" me on Facebook.  I told my other son, Michael, that I only had 10 friends to begin with and he pointed out that I had lost 10% of my friends.  He keeps me balanced :-D 

A great meeting last night and lunch with my sponsor today.  What would I do without Alanon?  I try to remember what it use to be like and I can remember bits and pieces but I no longer feel the panic and helplessness that I use to.  My days are more serene than not and on the "not" days, I am no longer able to tolerate misery for very long so I start over pretty quickly now.  I have my pity-pot parties from time to time but I can honestly say I think they are mostly hormonal related these days.

I have alot to keep me busy and don't ponder the what-ifs like I use to but I am extremely curious as to what Drew is doing..besides the obvious. My sponsor says I have an obsessive "need to  know".  I have learned that while I am no longer the instigator of drama, I still feel drawn to it.  I like to be on the sidelines with a good view.  I am learning that ignorance can be bliss, though, and am working on not having to know.  Progress...

Still raining in North Carolina and a perfect November day.  I plan on staying warm and busy and eating as much Mexican food as my WW plan allows today.

namaste

Posted in: on Friday, November 13, 2009 at at 10:15 AM 1 comments Links to this post