When did the art of "just being" go out of fashion? I'm a full-fledged, type b, would-rather-read-a-book-than-almost-any-physical-activity person. I have always been this way and was born into a family of type a, ambitious, driven, active, busy people. I am the turtle in a family of hares. This is where my feeling of not belonging began and I still feel that way today. Alanon helped me to learn to accept it. I think I have truly quit trying to adapt, change, pretend, fake, and struggle. There are parts of me that I have learned to love and honor. There are parts that I continue to bring into balance for my health and well being. But as I sit here, in my jammies, on a rainy, gray day, relishing the lazy afternoon, I wonder why I felt the need to feel so guilty just because of who I am. I am looking for balance now instead of change. I will never be an outgoing, gregarious, hyperactive mover-and-shaker. I'm the one that is content to keep the computers working and the network flowing, behind the scenes. I don't aspire to be a CEO or movie star..the limelight is blinding and I am only now beginning to see myself clearly..thank you very much.
I enjoy just being. I enjoy watching the birds at my birdfeeders. I love nothing more than getting lost for hours and hours in a good book. I love mental challenges, puzzles, games, who-done-its. I love to spend time crocheting in the ski lodge and watching the kids come down off the mountain. I am happy when I am mentally engaged. I love learning. I love playing the piano. I believe adults need naptime as much as preschoolers. I am okay with being alone, and quiet, and unbusy. I can have a cup of Earl Grey, an ocean-scented incense stick burning, some light jazz or new wave music going, and just be. Hot, bubble-baths are not an indulgement to me, they are a necessity. I don't spend time putting on makeup, futzing about my hair, or wearing complimentary jewelry. I haven't worn makeup since a funeral 2 years ago. I dress for comfort--always. This usually means sweatpants and my husband's tshirts. I'm glad I live in a small, rural town where people really don't care. My neighbors aren't impressed with bigger cars, fancier landscaping or the latest in fashion or expensive jewelry. I love my little town.
My family of origin doesn't understand this about me. Everything I am--they are not. They are financially and socially successful. They have busy, busy lives and are apparently happy. They have worked hard for what they have and seem to enjoy the benefits. I get whistful sometimes, when I think of what I have missed. I spent so much time hating who I was and trying to find a way to fit in that I missed alot. Don't misunderstand me, I love them and am happy for them. My biggest regret is that I wasn't able to love them and love me all at the same time. It just didn't happen.
I have an indulging nature. I am a Taurus, through and thourgh. I love comfort...and comfortable things. I am easy-going and plod through life--never running or racing towards anything. I cannot be around a hectic, uber-busy, frantic person without feeling the effects. I am grateful that I have learned that indulging doesn't have a damn thing to do with money. My husband and I often look at each other, during challenging times, and say, "We have water.". An inside joke that refers to times when our water pump has been out for days at a time. Until you have been without water for a week, you can't understand the gratitude in that statement. We know what is important now. I love my husband.
I think I am finally getting it. It all begins with Step 1. I have worked that step every day in some way. I could not be who I am today without the structure and spiritual springboard that Alanon has been. I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, the mother of an active addict, and the wife of a disabled veteran who is bipolar. I take medication for chronic depression. My financial situation is so much healthier now but I am still dealing with the consequences of poor financial habits over many years. We have a home, a car without payments, dogs, cats and chickens. I have a relationship with my birthson now. I have a child who is going to college and calls his mother regularly. I was able to make peace with my ex before he died and now have a good relationship with his family. These are all gifts...living proof that my HP loves me and is an active part of my life.
I am also battling my weight so I am back on WW. I battle procrastination so I am breaking things down to manageable sizes today. I hate to exercise but joined the Y. I have some relationships that need lots of prayer and work on my part. I have amends that still need to be made. I have a home that has been neglected and needs lots of TLC and elbow grease. I need to remember to tell the people that I love, that I love them, no matter how I feel at the time. This is enough for me today and it helps me focus on what I can do and keeps my hands off of other people and situations.
I hope that, whoever you are, that you can find some time today to just "be".
Namaste
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Thursday, November 19, 2009
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1:43 PM